"A Dive Into The Deep End of My Head..."

Late last night I decided to go for a walk, knowing that if I tried going to bed I wouldn’t be able to sleep. While I was walking I thought about my life and all of the things that are happening to me at this time. It never ceases to amaze me how much the Lord has blessed me. I can’t believe that he cares so much for me to bless me with the things I have. I almost don’t feel worthy to have these blessings.

I recently went to NM to visit my family, particularly my dad for Father’s Day. While I was telling my mom about my life and how I am afraid of the things that are going to happen in my life, mostly because I don’t think I could handle it. My mom pointed out to me that I don’t believe in myself. I quickly retorted, “Whatever, you don’t know me.” And then I changed the subject. I thought about what my mother said, even though I hated being forced to see the truth. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s true. I don’t believe in myself. I am afraid of attempting something and then failing. I am afraid of setting myself up for humiliation. Most of all I fear I will let myself, family, friends, and my Heavenly Father down. I couldn’t bear to be a disappointment to those I love the most.

It didn’t make sense, I thought I was actually gaining self confidence in myself, but if I truly was confident in myself I should and would in fact believe in myself. I was discussing my thoughts and what my mother said to my good friend De. She pointed out that I seem to rely on building my self-esteem on what others think of me. Taken back at yet another criticism, I thought about it. Once I know that people like me and accept me I then feel confident about myself. When I don’t know what one is thinking of me I notice I am more self-conscious and, well... wary of myself, my behavior and what not.

On my walk I decided that I was going to consciously change my attitude about myself. I am going to start believing in me. I need to stop caring what other people think of me and just be happy with the person I am, because when all is said and done, I am who I am whether or not people accept me. I am smart, fun, out going, open minded, and a good person, who has everyone’s interest at heart. It seems to me that I am the only one who is not accepting of myself. There's some irony for you. I so badly want people to accept me but I don’t even like myself. Funny.

It’s not going to be easy but I know I can do this. I have to do it. I am not giving myself an option. I am going to be confident and believe in myself. I am afraid of the potential I might have, but I know I can do this. I am not alone and I love life. Besides, my mom does know me very well, and I am glad we have the kind of relationship were I can talk to her about anything.

Until next time,

Wiggle