"A Dive Into The Deep End of My Head..."

Late last night I decided to go for a walk, knowing that if I tried going to bed I wouldn’t be able to sleep. While I was walking I thought about my life and all of the things that are happening to me at this time. It never ceases to amaze me how much the Lord has blessed me. I can’t believe that he cares so much for me to bless me with the things I have. I almost don’t feel worthy to have these blessings.

I recently went to NM to visit my family, particularly my dad for Father’s Day. While I was telling my mom about my life and how I am afraid of the things that are going to happen in my life, mostly because I don’t think I could handle it. My mom pointed out to me that I don’t believe in myself. I quickly retorted, “Whatever, you don’t know me.” And then I changed the subject. I thought about what my mother said, even though I hated being forced to see the truth. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s true. I don’t believe in myself. I am afraid of attempting something and then failing. I am afraid of setting myself up for humiliation. Most of all I fear I will let myself, family, friends, and my Heavenly Father down. I couldn’t bear to be a disappointment to those I love the most.

It didn’t make sense, I thought I was actually gaining self confidence in myself, but if I truly was confident in myself I should and would in fact believe in myself. I was discussing my thoughts and what my mother said to my good friend De. She pointed out that I seem to rely on building my self-esteem on what others think of me. Taken back at yet another criticism, I thought about it. Once I know that people like me and accept me I then feel confident about myself. When I don’t know what one is thinking of me I notice I am more self-conscious and, well... wary of myself, my behavior and what not.

On my walk I decided that I was going to consciously change my attitude about myself. I am going to start believing in me. I need to stop caring what other people think of me and just be happy with the person I am, because when all is said and done, I am who I am whether or not people accept me. I am smart, fun, out going, open minded, and a good person, who has everyone’s interest at heart. It seems to me that I am the only one who is not accepting of myself. There's some irony for you. I so badly want people to accept me but I don’t even like myself. Funny.

It’s not going to be easy but I know I can do this. I have to do it. I am not giving myself an option. I am going to be confident and believe in myself. I am afraid of the potential I might have, but I know I can do this. I am not alone and I love life. Besides, my mom does know me very well, and I am glad we have the kind of relationship were I can talk to her about anything.

Until next time,

Wiggle

*Sigh*

So I have three jobs. Three jobs. I am crazy. What was I thinking?

I originally had two jobs. Head start. And the library. I loved them. I still love them. Now I have a third job working at a clothing store in the mall. It's fun, and the people I work with are freaking awesome. I kind of like having a busy schedule and I like the cash flow that is coming in. Working three jobs is not by all means an easy task.
I am sooo tired, I can't even see straight. I have hardly anytime to hang out with my friends. When I do have time I'm usually too tired to hang out. Even when I make myself have the energy to play with my friends I just sit there and wish I could be a sleep.

One of the worst feelings I hate experiencing is feeling left out. That is how I feel right now. Now, trust me, it's not my friends fault. They try to evolve me in the things they do and I am always receiving invitations to do things with them. It’s like… it’s like, being a little kid stuck inside the house doing homework while all other children are out having a good time at the park.

I never realized exactly how much I love being around people. You know, people I love and who I enjoy being around. I have such amazing friends. But, what if eventually they quit calling me to invite me to do thing with them; all because I have no time to spend with them. And when I do make time, I am this… Wiggle, with lack of sleep (which can be humorous and entertaining at times but mostly just weird and strange).

Well, a least I will have all the money I will ever need (BARF). That is the most depressing thing in the world.

Looking on the brighter side of things, at least I won’t always have 3 jobs. Head start will be out May 18^th. I will just go back to having two jobs which is a lot more manageable.

It is not in me to be so depressed. I am usually a cheerful person, which is one of the reasons people like to be around me. I think most of it is sleepiness. Even though I really do hope my friend won’t give up on me.

Until then think happy thoughts.

Bye!

These Apples are Delicious

The Classic “give your teacher an apple” was applied to me the other day. One of my kiddos gave me a red apple. I was so happy. What an appropriate gift to give a teacher. I say that only because it is in all the books, and movies.

Why is it appropriate to give a teacher an apple? Is it because there use to be a lot more apple trees back in the day? Or perhaps, an apple is in fact a smart fruit, and therefore it would make perfect sense to give a teacher such a gift. But, saying a fruit is smart would imply that it had a mind of its own, and that is just silly. Or is it? You know there are people who believe that apples are living things with feelings. And if a teacher believed that was true would she think that gift was wrong because the fruit was pick off its home and life source and now will eventually die? Or be delighted and keep the apple as a pet? I wonder if that is where the phrase “teacher’s pet” came from.

Maybe it is just because it has something to do with what teachers teach, “Apple starts with the letter A”. If that is the reason to give a teacher an apple I am okay with that. Can you imagine though if the teachers back then said “Avocado starts with the letter A” or “Alcohol”? What a funny thought! Picture a little kid bring the teacher a bottle of Jack Daniels to school. That is so wrong.

If children brought there teacher a nut that could have make the connection to the phrase “in a nutshell”. It’s like saying, “Thanks for filling our nuts with knowledge.” (Nut meaning head of course, you sicko!) Umm… yeah… I am stopping there.

The point of this post is that I received an apple the other day and I am grateful for that. Even though I don’t quit understand the whole “give your teacher an apple” thing. It was a nice gesture and I felt loved. The End

Girls night

We were trying to put our make up in the worst possible way. When were done, we realized that we looked like we were in the eighties, so we went with it. We blasted Girls Just want to have Fun, and took pictures.

Good times. I love my roommates. Lindsay and DeAnne are so much fun! We are going on a Cruise this August to the Carribbean and we are so excited!

What if this was the last thing you did?

Valerie

Valerie- "The chocolate coating makes it go down easier."


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